OK. I got issues. I got it! He is in love….head over hills in love. It’s been over for us. Since…since day 1. It was all for lessons I needed to learn. I think. Red flags! Were every where! I totally knew saw them and took heed in the beginning. Now I blame him for the same things I did. For real; like I never would have got with him without the persuading of my cousin and a few friends. And he probably would never had lied to me, used me, and left me to no return if it was not for some of his family and friends. Heck, the relationship book about our relationship told me the Aquarius 3 to leave Aries-Taurus Cusp as fast as I could..Lol! Signs like him living with his mother and having a child at age 20 told me not to even think about it.
And that’s just it! I did not think about it. Not at all. Now I can get him off my mind at all. They say, people. Religious and spiritual people say it’s a strong hold or a soul tie. I say why? Why did he lie? How could he get on his knees and pray with me before God Almighty, write letters with promises and think God would honor him and his decision to coward out? But, I am not mad any more. I let go. I know he can not do anything for me. He never did except get me to go sing in venues and do poetry. Ok so he inspired me to write many poems and short stories. Some of my best work came because of that relationship. But it’s over. We both moved on. I literally moved 1600 miles away. He literally moved from relationship to relationship. It’s been over. So I sat down today and said, what do I want from him? Or need from him? I stared at him am his fiancés pictures for a while and I still don’t see the same or more joy than the pictures he had and have with me. They look like he did it just re do what he did with me. Its just obvious to me that my love and his love was greater. Oh well, interesting. But I figured all I wanted to do is please God. I wanted to keep my word to God that I would marry this man because I remember the prayers we put up to God, hand and hand together on our knees. Hmmmm? I have talk to God several times about it. I forgave the guy. I catch myself day dreaming about us two or remembering the fun we had. Peer pressure must be a beast because it got both of us in and out of something we both regretted.
He still lies on me. Calls me names. Even his click, cult, associates join in on it worse than he does sometimes. He has fully persuaded them that I am a lunatic, mundane, crazy and some more stuff. All because I loved him and wanted to work it out. I guess his damage is beyond prepare of his pride that pushed him over the edge. So I asked a few great true believers what happen to him. Someone said it was my fault he regurgitated the true gospel because I had sex with him. They said if I never had sex with him, He would have received. Another person said he got delivered while he was with me but when he came against me… those 7 demons that left came back stronger than the ones that were there before. And the last simply said some ministries are built up to be torn down like the tower of Babel. He went from a self ordained Pastor role to not believing and preaching pastors are not in the new testament along with apostles are not for this day neither…and the list goes on. Sisters in Christ said he was jealous and envious of me. Brothers in Christ said he wanted to be me…as far rapping, TV, and radio ministering. You know it could be all of that. I just want to move on consciously and unconsciously and subliminally.
I remember a prophecy that a friend of mine said about him…said he would have money, mansions, and family but he will never be happy because he denied the gift of praying in the Holy Spirit which is talking to God and no man can understand and the natural mind cant understand it…but of coarse talking to God will build your born again spirit up and edify it… Even the scripture say it’s our most holy faith. That was the prophecy. Do you know this guy built a whole doctrine against praying in tongues? I hope that is not blasphemy against the Holy Spirit because that is the unpardonable sin. Unforgivable. I was worried about him not making it to heaven and it all being my fault because I sexed him beyond any imagination possible. I guess that’s why I continue to contact him. To make sure he forgives me for those sinful sexual acts we participated in. I mean we broke my bed down! Literally. It was not a game. I just wanted him to know I loved him. But I was taken for granted for all the things I did for him. And now it’s over and it was a waist.
I don’t want to put myself at risk or even give another person a chance to know me like that. I try to forgive him more and more each day and pray so he may have a major encounter like Saul/ Paul did in the Bible. Him and his click attacks believers and non believers, accusing the brethren and daily and denying there salvation and authority. Ruthless folk they are; with no compassion. I read a book that showed me he was under the influence of principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and the Jezebel spirit. I cry what happen to his heart and his innocence? Was my sex that explicit? I must admit, I never did those things to or with anyone else. But God also showed me him and all his associates are in a reprobate mind denying the very powers of God. And he is making examples out of them. Their natural minds (intellectuals) are confused by spiritual things that they can not understand with the natural mind so they philosophy believing they are right…They are forever learning never arriving to the point of each of there individual calls; resulting in workers of iniquity. They may be able to define love but never will experience the whole truth due to there hardness in their hearts. Wow! I pray they all repent eventually from all the wrong but if the Holy Spirit is not in full communication with them so it will be hardly attainable.
How ever I have repented for the sexual sin. The Heavenly Father said he could have forgiven me too. But because that young man did not forgive me neither will he be forgiven for neither it, nor will he be forgiven for denying one of the clearest communications of faith to speak to him in his new tongue of edification. His true repentance would have been to learn and grow with me as agreed upon from the beginning of the relationship. His pride did not want to be wrong and he wanted to seem like he knew more than me so he found somebody who didn’t and brain washed them, shook there faith and that will not go un-punished. At one point I became grateful my faith could not be persuaded by any man or anything else. My relationship with God, My 1st love, sustains me through it all. So all that pain that was caused in that relationship, all the suffering all my past relationships can not prepare to the Glory of God still to come in my life or the world to come. All that to say this, that was a lesson well learned. It was traumatic though. Sometimes my forgiveness just forgets about the messed up things he did to me, and against me. That’s the love of God through Christ Jesus.
I don’t want him back the way that he is. He is getting married to his project anyway. I guess most prideful and controlling men marry women they can manipulate. I will only follow a man that follows God. I will know, because I follow God too. I have not met him yet; At least not the one for me. Living single going on 3 years and a half Since February 2008-09-10 going on 4 years….This is a miracle in its self! I hope I meet him soon so I can talk and write about something else.
No comments:
Post a Comment